It's been awhile since the last "wordy" post since I have nothing to talk about. Really had my semester 4's life so well. Appointments, interviews, booklets to make, and mid terms rolling soon. Starting next Tuesday to be exact. I know I should be studying by now, but yeaahhhhhh.
Slowly crawling back into what I supposed to be. Thinking and considering of rejecting others' presence. I might rejecting a lot. I'm feeling the rush of a thousand heartbreaks. Well that might answered about my harshly speaking. Honestly, I have no one in mind currently, but the wounds, are still there. Without a trace but I'll be wearing these scars for everyone to see. *sigh* I think slimming pills do kill all my hyper nerves, someway -,-" Think I need a new town, to leave all this behind. Where there no one knows my name. Geez, Boston.mp3 has left me mentally affected you see. I'm traumatized of every single thing around. I scared of having new people in my circle. These scars effects me lot. Somehow, someway, I'm scared of approving any new presence requests. Trying hard to be true to myself, but seems like DENIAL is my baggage that I've been carrying. Okay, this is what I always keep in mind, no matter what I do, I'll make sure I'll bring my ass up to Europe or somewhere in Middle East somewhere in future. Should start be cleaning up my closet for something new. But still, I don't regret any of my mistakes. I just don't, deal with it. That's how life works. You should regret if you've done no mistakes. Living with doubts? That's the worst mistake ever. For now, I only see both Mama and Abah. Honestly, I used to think that you both are so annoying I've once thinking about running away from home. But now, I'm in my late-19, thinking about what I've been through, I must say, I've just realized that both of you are the only person I should trust and rely on. With Allah's willing, please don't stop annoy me. Sometimes, it makes me smile eventhough I do feel like stomping the wall for few times. Heh. I'm still young and rebellious, what can you expect. Sometimes, we need to believe in movies. Be full of love and as brave as the main character. Because sometimes, we just need to. Even with a heavy heart, I'm still writing all that I have in mind. Quite mixed up, isn't it? After a while, I'm still growing up and learning about things, including that some things are meant to be left alone, and undone. Some things are just made to be left unsaid. All that we have to do is, make a move, step out, and leave it behind. Take it as a challenge. Barney loves to accepts one :) I'm so out of my mind right now. True there have been so much emotional posts, less non-emo ones. It's my expression. No matter how many smiles I put on show, deep down inside, there's always a black hole that has been controlling me. The thought sent a shiver down my spine which makes me a cold person.
I had this one crush back then when I was in Form 2. Going through all his artwork and writing, I must say he inspired me in many ways. He makes me documenting each moment, he makes me write. He makes me happy, by letting myself out. But watching him in pain, isn't an inspire that I'm searching for. I glanced on some of his new posts. Painfully beautiful writing, as it makes the scene seems as a beautiful tragedy for me. We never talked. I bet he doesn't want to know me or even hear my name. Even after what he did, he's still my inspiration that I will always look up to. I thought I was done thinking and mesmerizing, little that I know that even after 6 years, I still get that from time to time. That thinking-and-mesmerizing thing. I know I've blogged about this before. This is just another line to be continued. (Imma freak, I know)
"We were so good together. How come we could not weather. This storm may just do better. Why did we say goodbye. 'Cause lightning don't strike, the same place twice. When you and I said goodbye, I felt the angels cry" I keep on playing the record on and on. "We're given just a few precious years on the earth, so we must cherish each moment." Though it's true, easy to say, but no matter how hard I'm trying to, flashback keeps on haunting. I am traumatized. I wish you could understand my fear. Me.
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